Archive for March, 2003
Love is a trick of the light
March 22nd, 2003 Uncategorized
Love is a momentary trick of the eye, the light, the ears or the chancing of a secret place in one’s heart. The moment strikes at the bag of endorphines in my head, tearing it a little but soon the wound mends itself and I forget. Sometimes, it strikes over and over and over again, leaving no time for healing and the bag ruptures. Head rush! Happiness leaks from the pores of my body. The experience so bewildered me that my words trip over themselves to express and as frustration grows with love, I rush forward and find myself, before him, an enormous blithering fool.
God, the shame.
(Later, I would retrace the steps like the murder detective. Looking for clues, alibis – Didn’t he say this with a knowing glance directed at me and only me? Didn’t his eyes shine with happiness at my presence? Wasn’t he here because I was here? – but they all drive me to same the conclusion as I had arrived before I embarressed myself.)
I found myself in this familiar situation yesterday at Kevin Kern’s concert. In love with someone real hardly has the same sort of intense pleasure I feel at a performance. I am always finding surprising disappointments. It becomes like an addiction to a lower quality drug. Love becomes a dreadful burning – why isn’t he calling, why doesn’t he want to see me – and pleasure boils away. Performances of any kind are so intimate to me that I am often tricked by it, forgetting the hundreds of others around me. Concert, plays, lecturing. To be frank, I didn’t really like his (Kern’s) tinkering. He strikes the piano coldly, like the way one plays Bach. Then I heard ‘Children at Play’ – the fourth or fifth of his repertoire and I began to understand it is his composing and not his playing. (The piece made me weep.) After the concert, I went forward – there were so many things I want to say to him. I passed an usher and took from her a flyer as my excuse. At the crucial moment, I become a speechless grinning fool. He signed it labouriously. He can’t see well. I thanked him – well, I hoped I did, I can’t remember. The next lady had more presence of mind than I did. As I walked out, I heard her gushing enthusiastically, saying things I meant to tell him on my own
Bad Mouthing Singaporeans
March 14th, 2003 Uncategorized
It makes me angry when anyone (Singaporean or not) accuses Singaporeans for being reticent or self centred. Furious! C and I spoke on the telephone. We talked about the War on Saddam. He said Singaporeans don’t speak out about the war and if they do, they are concerned only because it affects Singapore economy. I blew my top. How can he, I said, knowing our history, make this terrible judgement on our people. He was quick to interrupt to say he never made a judgement, only an observation and without listening I had jumped quickly into conclusion. I replied him, if it was not a judgement, why did he say it so haughtily? Hasn’t he already stated his disdain clearly when he pre-conditioned me that ‘Singaporeans don’t speak out about the war’ and then drew my attention to it with ‘they do it only because’. C___ dislikes vigourious discussions. He tried to shun from it by saying he is speaks bad English. I pressed him, “What exactly do you mean then?”
He began to circle as though trying to catch a chicken in a pen. First he asked, if there were any demonstrations against the war. I told him about the seven who were arrested before the demonstration began. He asked me, if I, a Singaporean, wished to participate in the demonstration. I told him I, a Singaporean, would have little effect on G. Bush, the President of America. I cannot vote him out of his job. I do not see the effect of my actions on Bush. It makes no sense for me to participate. “Hum,” said C___, thinking. He circled again. What do my friends think of the war on Iraq; Are they for it or against it; Why? I told him they did not want a war because it affects their job. I could hear him thinking: A-ha! I went on quickly. I told him, before he arrived at his conclusions, consider how we came to this. Consider the riots in the 70s, I said. Were we reticent then? Consider the PAP’s response to the riots. Now, consider the consequences the peaceful demonstrators suffered. Did he know what I was talking about?
“Don’t you have anything new to say,” said C____ somewhat exasperated. “Always blaming the garment factory for cutting the coat to fit the cloth.”
What a witty response! Garment, clothing imagery. An undiscovered artist in him! Imagine that!
